The Awesome Cryptozoology Club

A face only a 49,000,017 year old mother could love.

2011-05-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Not necessarily crypto, but anything involving giant spiders of yore are interesting enough to be blarghed about. Not to mention, they are xraying amber these days to find this stuff and generate models for us to look at. My spidey sense is telling me we are well on our way to a Jurassic Park/Cloverfield situation.

Basically, back in the 1800's they found a sweet chunk of amber in which, at the time, they assumed this was a Huntsman spider, but didn't really have a way of confirming that knowledge, plus "modern researchers thought it strange that such a large, active spider would get trapped in tree resin." So this particular spider was probably quite slow, not all there, possibly the blight in his intelligent spider family's tree.

Nowadays they have xray technology that makes it possible for us to make fun Youtube videos with the generated 3D image they capture.

If you had concerns about the Huntsman haunting your dreams at night, it has been said that they are not poisonous to humans, despite their large size. However, they do have an extremely painful bite, so please consider this before time traveling.

source

Local Legends: The Lambton Worm

2011-05-09T04:41:00.000-07:00

I originally posted this on personal blog, so massive apologies for reusing content, but I thought this particular item would be of equal interest over here and wanted to share with you.

I’m always interested in local folklore, especially if it involves monsters and other exciting spooky stuff. Most places, no matter how small, seem to have some manner of fascinating tale relating to beasts that lurk in their surrounding area, ghosts that haunt their old buildings and all kinds of other odd goings on. I certainly to hope to discover more of them so if you have any from your local towns please, please let me know.

I’m from the North East of England, and us

north easteners are notoriously a chatty bunch, we’re natural storytellers, spinners of yarns and voyagers on flights of fancy. You can wile away hours in any given North Eastern pub simply by striking up a conversation with a local resident (for best results seek an elder patron) and allowing yourself to regaled with the most fantastical tall tales and enthralling anecdotes. I myself have done this often, and have frequently heard a story so amazing that I have been compelled to tell the purveyor of wonder that I will be forced to steal that particular tale and tell it myself, and such is the glory of the oral tradition.

Yes, us North Easterner folk love a story and I think it’s fairly safe to say that The Lambton Worm is a tale that has a special place in our hearts and is probably the most famous of the fables from our region. The legend of The Lambton Worm has been told and retold evolving from oral tradition through the written word and even into song and pantomime form. So, whisht, lads, haad yor gobs an' aa'll tell ye aall an aaful story…..

Young whippersnapper, and heir to Lambton Hall, John Lambton, decided one particular fine Sunday morn that his time would be far better employed on a fishing trip rather than by going to church like a good lad. So, while all the other townsfolk were dutifully attending mass in Brugeford Chapel, John was parked by the River Wear dangling his rod in its murky depths (that sounds entirely more filthy than is really necessary, I apologise).

For a long time John sat without so much as a nibble, but then, all of a sudden, his line was jolted with a terrific force. Naturally assuming that he’d landed the catch of the century, John excitedly set about reeling in the tremendous beast, but the task proved harder than he could have imagined. But steadfast, John refused to give up his prize without a fight and bracing himself against the riverbank he laboured for a seeming eternity until, finally, just as the sheer exertion was threatening to claim him, his line popped free from the water and he landed his magnificent catch on the bank by his feet. Somewhat amazed, young John peered down at creature his efforts had lain before him and saw to his surprise that it wasn’t even nearly the mighty fish he had been expecting. At his feet lay a black wormlike animal, and it was small, astonishingly small for something that had presented him with so much trouble to land. While John contemplated his catch the creature slithered and coiled in the mud beside him and venturing a closer examination John could see that its jaws were indeed mighty, and, he noted, lined with rows of razor sharp teeth that, although small, looked fearsome and deadly.

Just as John was preparing to throw the disappointing, and decidedly unpleasant, brute back into the river he became aware of a presence behind him and turned to find an old man eyeing the creature and crossing himself furiously. When John asked him what was wrong the old man said that he must not throw the creature back t the river, that it would bode badly for young John, but at all costs he must keep the beast and not return it to the river. Obediently, if a little startled, John duly picked up the black worm and cast it into his basket, but as he turned back to question the man further he found he was alone on the riverbank and the old fellow was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly a feeling of deep unease overwhelmed John and the more he looked at the worm the more he knew he must be free of it. The old man’s warning had unnerved him enough not to consider risking returning it to the river, but as he walked home he spotted an old well and seized the opportunity to rid himself of his slithery burden.

For years all was quiet and John Lambton never gave a thought to peculiar creature he had caught that day. But, unbeknownst to our hero all the while the worm was wallowing in the murk of the well, becoming strong and growing, growing and growing Years later while John was off fighting in the crusades villagers began to notice that there was something very wrong with the well. It became apparent that the water was poisoned and unusable and at night eerie vapours were seen rising nefariously from the mouth of the well. As is natural in these situations, the villagers sagely decided that the well had clearly been claimed by an evil force and was now cursed as a result.

Surprisingly it turned out the villagers were absolutely right as early one morning it was discovered that the full grown worm had crawled from its gloomy home and had lain waste to the surrounding farms savagely feeding on all livestock it could find leaving a trail of destruction in its wake. To their horror they also saw that the creature heavy and bloated from its night’s feast had coiled its massive bulk about a rocky outcrop close to the river of its terrible birth.

News swiftly spread through the village and surrounding areas and filled the region with fear and dread. For a while the beast remained still and silent, some of the very brave even dared to creep closer to catch a glimpse of the razor toothed terror, but this relative peace was not to last and all too soon the creature became ravenous once more and embarked upon another bloody rampage devouring everything that lay in its path. The villagers were terrified, but something had to be done, some brave souls banded together to attempt to slay the beast but all who tried were immediately torn to shreds by the worm’s savage teeth or brutally crushed in its mighty coils.

Eventually the beast made its way to Lambton Hall where now only the lord resided. Fortunately the villagers were quick to react and managed to distract creature with offerings of the fattest livestock left alive. And so the ritual began that would last for seven long years, again and again the villagers would sacrifice what livestock they could muster to keep the worm in a sated slumber and prevent it from feasting on all who dwelled there.

When seven whole years had passed John Lambton finally returned from the crusades and saw the terrible fate that had befallen his village. Wracked with tremendous guilt he resolved there and then that he would destroy the evil creature himself and free his people from its servitude. To prepare himself for this dangerous task he visited the local wise woman. Aware of his culpability the wise woman confirmed for John that was indeed his duty to slay the beast, she advised his to seek the blacksmith and have a suit of armour crafted that was wrought with sharpened spearheads at every inch of its surface and then once clad in this new fearsome attire he must lie in wait for the worm at its rocky lair. Convinced by her words John nodded his acquiescence, but, just as he was about to run straight to the blacksmith, the woman’s face darkened and she seized his shoulder with a startling strength. Looking him square in the eye and with a gravity that chilled John to his very core she warned him that if should slay the beast he must then also put to death the first living thing he sees following the act and if failed that task then three times three generations of Lambtons would die badly.

Knowing she spoke the truth John ran as fast he could to the blacksmith’s forge and tasked him to craft his suit. The blacksmith worked tirelessly all through that night and by morning the armour was ready and as John emerged from the forge a crowd of villagers had gathered to cheer their hero and as he passed through them he swore to himself that he would be victorious.

For what seemed like an age John waited, but there was no sign of the worm. He waited and waited and then, just as he was giving up hope, the creature finally emerged raising its enormous, vicious head from the depths of the river a rapacious glint colouring its cold eyes. Without time to think John charged towards the water his sword held high and so began a long the violent battle between man and beast. It soon became apparent that every time the creature attempted to wrap John in its coils or crush him in its maw it was only succeeding in tearing itself up on the razors of the armour. John then knew that if he had the strength to endure the attacks for long enough then all he had to do was wait for the creature to be sufficiently weak and then he could slaughter it and put an end to its tyranny. Steeling his resolve John braced himself for the extensive battle he knew faced. And on the pair raged the sky darkening around them, until, eventually, the last of its strength spent the worm slumped onto the riverbank. Exhausted John struggled to its side and with the last ounce of energy remaining in his aching body plunged his blade right into its heart and blew three sharp blasts on his horn to signal to the servants at the hall to release a hound in order he could complete his vow. But, the joy of victory was short-lived as on hearing the blasts Jon’s father, the lord, was so overcome with delight he rushed to greet his son as he crossed into the hall’s grounds. Devastated John turned away and slew the hound, but it was too late, the vow was broken, the worm was defeated and his people free but for generations none of the Lambtons would die a good death.

Penshaw Monument; where the worm is said to rest

The legend of the The Lambton Worm has even done its best to extend beyond its northern folktale status and into more mainstream culture. In 1911 Bram Stoker’s The Lair of the White Worm was published and I think its fair to say that the story borrows heavily from our humble local worm, and of course, who can forget that Ken Russell turned Stoker’s novel into his 1988 classic of the same name. I you haven’t seen Russell’s Lair of the White Worm you must, it’s mental and awesome. You can also hear a few repeated bars of the Lambton Worm song near the end within the melody Peter Capaldi’s character Angus is plays on the bagpipes to lure the acolytes.

You can listen to The Lambton Worm song here. And here are the lyrics so you can sing along at home.

One Sunday morn young Lambton Went a-fishin' in the Wear; An' catched a fish upon his huek, He thowt leuk't varry queer, But whatt'n a kind a fish it was Young Lambton couldn't tell. He waddn't fash to carry it hyem, So he hoyed it in a well.

Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, Aa'll tell ye aall and aaful story,
Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, An' Aal tell ye 'bout the worm.

Noo Lambton felt inclined to gan An' fight in foreign wars. He joined a troop o' Knights that cared For neither wounds nor scars, An' off he went to Palestine Where queer things him befel, An' varry seun forgot aboot The queer worm i' the well.

Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, Aa'll tell ye aall and aaful story,
Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, An' Aal tell ye 'bout the worm.

But the worm got fat an' growed an' growed, An' growed an aaful size; He'd greet big teeth, a greet big gob, An' greet big goggle eyes. An' when at neets he craaled aboot To pick up bits o'news, If he felt dry upon the road, He milked a dozen coos.

Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, Aa'll tell ye aall and aaful story,
Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, An' Aal tell ye 'bout the worm.

This feorful worm wad often feed On calves an' lambs an' sheep, An' swally little bairns alive When they laid doon to sleep. An' when he'd eaten aal he cud An' he had has he's fill, He craaled away an' lapped his tail Seven times roond Pensher Hill.

Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, Aa'll tell ye aall and aaful story,
Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, An' Aal tell ye 'bout the worm.

The news of this most aaful worm An' his queer gannins on Seun crossed the seas, gat to the ears Of brave an' bowld Sir John. So hyem he cam an' catched the beast An' cut 'im in three halves, An' that seun stopped he's eatin' bairns, An' sheep an' lambs and calves.

Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, Aa'll tell ye aall and aaful story,
Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, An' Aal tell ye 'bout the worm.

So noo ye knaa hoo aall the folks On byeth sides of the Wear Lost lots o' sheep an' lots o' sleep An' lived in mortal feor. So let's hev one to brave Sir John That kept the bairns frae harm Saved coos an' calves by myekin' haalves O' the famis Lambton Worm

Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, Aa'll tell ye aall and aaful story,
Whisht! lads, haad yor gobs, An' Aal tell ye 'bout the worm.

Noo lads, Aa'll haad me gob, That's aall Aa knaa aboot the story Of Sir John's clivvor job Wi' the aaful Lambton Worm!

Honestly, those are the words. Because I’m helpful like that I shall now translate for those of you unfamiliar the local dialect

One Sunday morning young Lambton went fishing in the Wear; and caught a fish upon his hook, He thought it looked very queer, but what manner of fish it was Young Lambton couldn't tell. He could not be bothered to carry it home, so he threw it in a well.

Hush, gentlemen, hold your tongues, And I will tell you all an awful story,

Hush, gentlemen, hold your tongues, and I will tell you about the worm.

Now Lambton felt inclined to go and fight in foreign wars. He joined a troop of' Knights that cared for neither wounds nor scars, and off he went to Palestine where queer things befell him, and very soon forgot about the queer worm in the well.

Repeat chorus

But the worm got fat and grew and grew, and grew an awful size; He had great big teeth, a great big mouth, and great big goggle eyes. And when at nights he crawled about to pick up bits of news, if he felt dry upon the road, he milked a dozen cows.

Repeat chorus

This fearful worm wouldd often feed on calves and lambs and sheep, and swallowed little children alive when they laid down to sleep. And when he'd eaten all he could and he had eaten his fill, he crawled away and lapped his tail seven times round Penshaw Hill.

Repeat chorus

The news of this most awful worm and his queer goings on soon crossed the seas and got to the ears of brave and bold Sir John. So home he came and caught the beast and cut him in three halves, and that soon stopped eating children, and sheep and lambs and calves.

Repeat chorus

So now you know how all the folks on both sides of the Wear Lost lots of sheep and lots of sleep and lived in mortal fear. So let us drink to brave Sir John that kept the children from harm saved cows and calves by cutting in half the famous Lambton Worm

Repeat chorus

Now gentlemen, I’ll hold my tongue because that is all I know about the story of Sir John's clever job with the awful Lambton Worm!

If Wishes Were Megalodons

2011-04-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

I love sharks. I love them in movies, in books, in documentaries, heck, I’d probably even love them in real life, at a safe distance, from dry land maybe, with someone slower and weaker than myself ten feet in front of me, just in case, but my appalling cowardice aside, sharks are great, few things are better than sharks. But I’ll tell you one thing that could be better than a shark. A bloody great, massive prehistoric shark!

I particularly like how the diagrammatic man is giving a nonchalant wave. Well hello, have you met my increasingly massive sharks?

The Megalodon (Carcharodon megalodon) is an extinct species of shark that lived roughly from 28 to 1.5 million years ago. Fossil remains suggest that this giant shark could reach lengths of in excess of 52ft (16 metres). In essence, the Megalodon was a ruddy big shark. The Megalodon has intrigued scientists and cryptozoologists for years. But it’s extinct, right? Hmmm, maybe not.

Intrigued scientists

Here is possibly the most famous reported Megalodon encounter taken from David G. Stead’s Sharks and Rays of Australian Seas, 1963, Stead, an Australian marine biologist, ichthyologist, oceanographer, conservationist and writer and therefore surely credible investigator into such matters, details the instance as it was told to him by those involved.

‘In the year 1918 I recorded the sensation that had been caused among the "outside" crayfish men at Port Stephens, when, for several days, they refused to go to sea to their regular fishing grounds in the vicinity of Broughton Island. The men had been at work on the fishing grounds--which lie in deep water--when an immense shark of almost unbelievable proportions put in an appearance, lifting pot after pot containing many crayfishes, and taking, as the men said, "pots, mooring lines and all." These crayfish pots, it should be mentioned, were about 3 feet 6 inches in diameter and frequently contained from two to three dozen good-sized crayfish each weighing several pounds. The men were all unanimous that this shark was something the like of which they had never dreamed of. In company with the local Fisheries Inspector I questioned many of the men very closely and they all agreed as to the gigantic stature of the beast. But the lengths they gave were, on the whole, absurd. I mention them, however, as an indication of the state of mind which this unusual giant had thrown them into. And bear in mind that these were men who were used to the sea and all sorts of weather, and all sorts of sharks as well. One of the crew said the shark was "three hundred feet long at least"! Others said it was as long as the wharf on which we stood--about 115 feet! They affirmed that the water "boiled" over a large space when the fish swam past. They were all familiar with whales, which they had often seen passing at sea, but this was a vast shark. They had seen its terrible head which was "at least as long as the roof on the wharf shed at Nelson's Bay." Impossible, of course! But these were prosaic and rather stolid men, not given to 'fish stories' nor even to talking about their catches. Further, they knew that the person they were talking to (myself) had heard all the fish stories years before! One of the things that impressed me was that they all agreed as to the ghostly whitish color of the vast fish.’

In 1933 another sighting was recorded this time by Western novelist and deep sea fishing fanatic Zane Grey and his son Loren. Returning from a fishing trip one evening Loren spotted seagulls spiralling over a particular area of yellowish water:

‘At first I thought it was a whale, but when the great brown tail rose in the ship’s wake as the fish moved ponderously away from the liner, I knew immediately that it was a monstrous shark. The huge round head appeared to be at least 10 to 12 feet across if not more ... It was my belief that this huge, yellowish, barnacled creature must have been at least 40 or 50 feet long. He was not a whale shark: the whale shark has a distinctive white purplish green appearance with large brown spots and much narrower head. So what was he---perhaps a true prehistoric monster of the deep?’ source

And more recently still B. Clay Cartmell author of Let’s go Fossil Shark Tooth Hunting puts forward two accounts. The first is reported sonar trackings of an unidentifiable object about 100 ft (30 m) long that was travelling faster than any submarine. While the validity of this account may appear negligible a second instance is also recorded by Cartmell.

‘In the 1960’s along the outer edge of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef, an 85 foot [26 m] ship experienced engine trouble which forced it to weigh anchor for repairs. Although the men subsequently refused to openly report what they had seen for fear of public ridicule, the captain and his crew later told friends of sighting an immense shark as it moved slowly past their ship. Whitish in color, they were awed by its size. It was as long if not longer than their boat! Experienced men of the sea, they too were certain the creature was not a whale.’ source

Most recently this possible account surfaced: ‘Swimmers in Australia have been seeing what they describe as a “monster” shark swimming just off shore. A local beach had to be closed for 2 days due to the fear of this monster. This happened in February of 2007 and some people are suggesting that this is a large Great White or perhaps a large Tiger shark. Unfortunately, no one has been able to identify the shark yet.’ source

This is my Megalodon tooth. I found it on one of my research missions. By ‘I’ I mean my husband and by ’found’ and ‘research mission’ I mean bought on Ebay, and I suppose in the spirit of full disclosure by ‘tooth’ I mean fossil. But it’s still awesome!

Best Valentine present ever!

Oh, Megalodon, how wonderful it would be if you did still live, granted the oceanic ecosystem would probably be devastated and I’m sure the wider implications of that devastation would be detrimental to life as we know it, but it would be so cool!

No, No, No...

2011-03-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

WHY?! WHY!?

Free Sushi

2011-03-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

So dudes and sistadudes, if you haven't heard yet, millions of dead fish have been found all over King's Harbor in Redondo Beach today. MILLIONS!!!!!! Put your ojos on THIS:

What's happening now? I feel like at this point my reaction to these things is terror mixed with:

Bringing Back the Mammoth

2011-01-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

Japanese scientists (who else) announced last week they were attempting to Jurassic Park the wolly mammoth.

From the Daily Yomiuri Online:

A team of researchers will attempt to resurrect the species using cloning technologies after obtaining tissue this summer from the carcass of a mammoth preserved in a Russian mammoth research laboratory. It has already established a technique to extract DNA from frozen cells.
"Preparations to realize this goal have been made," said Prof. Akira Iritani, leader of the team and a professor emeritus of Kyoto University.
Under the plan, the nuclei of mammoth cells will be inserted into an elephant's egg cells from which the nuclei have been removed to create an embryo containing mammoth genes.

Not only are the Japanese doing something out of a Gozilla movie, but they even talk in hilarious syntax like a Japanese scientist - "preparations to realize this goal have been made."

I thought scientists messing with nature in hilariously foolhardy ways where their own creations will destroy them had gone the way of the dodo. But no! Enjoy being trampled by your half-mammoth half-elephant, all-evil monster, Science.

Penalty For Ugliness In Kentucky? Death!

2011-01-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

Imagine you find a magical, hairless, possible cryptid just hanging out minding his own business in your backyard. What would you do? Shoot him? If you are Hillbilly Pepaw Mark Cothern you would. Seriously, what a dick. Now they think they've solved the Chupacabra mystery but I'm not so sure.

I honestly don't think this thing is a raccoon with a skin problem. If I were Mark I'd be sleeping with one eye open, you know this Chupacabra's cousins are gonna be driving by with no lights on real soon.

Read more here.

Dead Birds, Dead Fish, Snooki's New Book WHAT IS HAPPENING

2011-01-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

Well guys, I'm sure by now you've heard about all the birds and fish dropping dead around the world since the beginning of the new year. What the fuck is going on here? If this is the end of the world then I'm going to be real PISSED. First of all I haven't rode a Segway while wearing clear stripper heels or had sex with Andre 3000 yet. I have a lot of work to do on this fine earth before we explode you guys.

But on the real, just what is causing all of this? Conspiracy theorists from around the internets are blaming it on the BP oil spill, the John P Wheeler situation (INTERESTING), the New Madrid fault line (VERY BELIEVEABLE), of course HAARP aka the high powered transmitter in Alaska, and Snooki's new book (JK on that last one). Scientists are still conducting tests on the animals but do point out that this usually occurs as a result of disease. UGH WHO KNOWS?! The scariest thing to me is this is the sort of shit that increases paranoia and it's the cray peeps who we have to worry about the most.

Well whatever is happening, I'm just going to become real slutty.

Mel's Hole (No Not That One)

2010-07-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

Recently on route to the airport, my dad told me about a bunch of Coast to Coast AM stories giving me new topics to chat about here on ACC which is very necessary to push down that horrific post I wrote about human tails below!! I have to admit that was the first time I have ever grossed myself out with one of my own blog posts. I'm sure I've grossed out many of you before but this was the first time for me!

First we will talk about Mel's Hole. I know, it already sounds sick and disturbing but we are not talking about that assholio Mel Gibson's hellmouth. Sidebar I just heard those cray tapes. DEMON!! How can someone who made the 90's tear jerkers Los Mang Without a Face and Forever Young be such a dick!!

Sorry to digress into celeb gossip up in here for a mome. Mel's Hole actually refers to a giant mysterious hole a man named Mel Waters discovered on his land in eastern Washington state. It apparently has infinite depth and brings dead animals back to life. SAY WUT.

The hole was on the land before Mel had it, and people would throw their old garbage and refrigerators down there but it never filled up. Animals wouldn't go near it and a neighbor of Mel's supposedly threw his dead dog down it only to see the same dog running in the woods later. MLORD PET CEMETARY STATUS!!!

Mel wanted to do some tests so he first tied some Life Savers candy onto a string and lowered it 1500 ft to see if there was any water below that would dissolve the candy. He pulled it up after awhile and the candy remained intact except all of the pineapple ones were missing!!! Just kidding about the last part. THEN he dropped fishing line FIFTEEN MILES LONG into the hole and still hadn't reached the bottom. Around this time he went on Coast to Coast to tell his tale. Afterwards too much cray happened... the govs seized his property, paid him 250k per month for it, moved him to Australia, then he came back, got beat up and his teeth removed (by the gov prob), was invited to an Injun reservation in Nevada to talk about plants pero he ends up finding ANOTHER HOLE that is almost exactly identical to the one found on his land back home. PLE WHAT?! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!?

The injuns lowered a sheep into the second hole and when they brought it back up it was dead but the insides were COOKED. They cut it open and inside was a seal-like creature with BIG CARIBBEAN BLUE HUMAN EYES!!!!!!! Obviously I think of something like this lil' guy...

They all have a staring game with the creature until it gives them a look like "Later, James Spader" and jumps back into the hole. WAT IS GOING ON !?!

They also find some sort of ice-like material inside the hole except its HOT and on FIYAH. One mang brings it back to his house to warm his stove and the fire never goes out. Any moisture near the material is sucked out so the man was PARCHED and had dry skin (and probably dandruff)

So obviously I am finding all of this hard to believe. Having one giant hole in your backyard is one thing, but ALL OF THIS!! Also some things to note...Mel found a red envelope containing some old dimes with Roosevelt minted on them and the date 1943...HOWEVER, that was before those dimes were minted. Someone said "PARALLEL UNIVERSE?!" Apparently the same dimes were found on the reservation at one point.

Now the one weird thing that makes me want to hold the phone and press rewind is during one of his interviews Mel asks Art Bell (Coast to Coast mang) if he has heard of the terraserver which was like Google Earth in the late 90's-00's. Listeners lurked it and saw a blank spot where Mel's property would have been!!!!! MOMMA MIA!!!

The last anyone has heard from Mel was in 2002. There are plenty more tidbits to this story that you can read here. Other people have tried searching for the hole but nothing has been found. So who knows if this is real but the terraserver thing is pretty freaky no? If this isn't real whoever made this story up should work in Hollywood because this story is AWESOME and way better than all these lazy remakes. Anyway, I want to believe there are giant scary holes in the world other than Paris Hilton's snatchola. And if I found one I would toss some things in it too such as:

Ugg boots
Crocs
Men I've slept with
Speidi
Lil Kim's plastic surgeon

What would you throw into Mel's hole?

A Tail Too Many

2010-06-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what's more distracting, that vienna sausage wagging from this dude's back or that WICKED WOLF BLANKET IN THE BACKGROUND!!!

Anyways, this video is old but is still filled with a million giggles. It might even trigger some bad memories for some of you ladies but I pray not. Human embryos actually start off having these tails aka back dicks (what Mike likes to call them) then they are later absorbed by the body, except in these cases.

I really can't with these photos. SO RUDE AND LEWD. EVEN FOR ME!

Also, in 2006, thousands of people in India lined up to meet and worship a man with a 13 inch tail. This is where I'd make a joke saying "OKAY GURL BUT DO HE KNOW WHAT TO DO WIT DAT ANACONDA?!" but you guys know I'm better than that.

Source: this blog sent from dear Mikey

Me So Horny

2010-05-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

Please feel free to enjoy the sound track to my 10th grade year of high school while reading this post.

Human horns aren't really a new a new phenomena. The earliest documented medical cases date back to the 1500’s and the London Museum has several human horns in their collection. In 1930, a Russian banker "discovered" a Manchurian farmer named Wang who sported a 13-inch protrusion on the back of his head. The Russian snapped a picture of Wang and sent it to Robert Ripley of ‘Believe It Or Not!’ fame. Ripley renamed him The Human Unicorn.

Amazing as it looks and sounds, Wang isn't alone in the world of human horns. In October 2007, 95-year-old Xiou Ling sprouted a 6½-inch horn and about a month later, 93-year-old Ma Zhong Nan showed the world the 4-inch horn growing on the top of his head.

The most recent and exciting Asian HORN is that of ~~Agent Lover~~ Zhang Ruifang's.

Zhang's HORN began growing on the left side of her forehead last year and it now measures 4" long. She says she feels no pain in the HORN and apparently something is now growing out of the right ride of her forehead too!

Hmmmm LOOKS LIKE ANOTHA HORN TO ME.

Zhang said she is "quite looking forward to when the matching one has grown a bit" and has refused offers to have them removed.

Growths like these are usually cutaneous horns, which are made of keratin, the same substance that fingernails are made of. These types of horns are usually harmless, unless you accidentally impale someone during a make out sesh.

When Fashion Meets Cryptozoology

2010-03-25T19:06:00.001-07:00

Chanel Fall 2010.
Is Karl a fan of Kryptozoology?

Why You Fuckin' Wit Sasquatch?

2010-03-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

Since I don't own a television or listen to the radio, I basically never know whats going on in the world of advertising and it seems like everyone and their mama has been enjoying Jack's Links SASQUATCH campaign except me!

While I think the commercials are HILLAR, the actual jerky product (which I saw for the first time yesterday) is no jokin' matter for me.

At first glance I thought M'LORD what IS this? Available in Angry or Happy flavor!? GETOUTAHERE! Ah, but once I turned the package around to take a peek at the clear window of jerky it was OVER. These Sasquatch meats looked like diarrhea encased in plastic to me and I REFUSE to get involved with any of this fuckery.

(sick)

I did however manage to find a loyal ACC follower who wanted to vent about his experience with these forbidden meats. Here is what he had to say:

Dear Crypto Lovin Truck Stop Snackers,

If you ever wanted to know what chorizo carpaccio tastes like, then buy yourself a 16" Sasquatch Bigstick, the pasty meat treat stuffed into a weird unnatural skin that leaves a waxy sour taste in your mouth...Mmmm!

The "Angry" flavor stick I tasted was more sad than angry and it was just an overall disappointment.

This was not at all what I imagined a Sasquatch stick would be like (no pun intended creeps!). I wanted a spicy and tough jerky but instead it was more like an unwrapped soggy Slim Jim fresh out of a pond.

The poor Sasquatches have been robbed of their manhood! The Crypto King has been duped into a

sour deal with a jerky company promoting a meat stick with the prowess of the ever illusive Bigfoot, when what we really get is a wet soft meat tube that's more Loch Ness than Skunk ape!

Please Jack's Links, if you want to advertise your product with a bad ass like Sasquatch, at least make the product spicy and angry...hell, I'll even take meaty and happy! Just give me SOMETHING.

So drop the Harry and the Henderson's suit and maybe try making something like a beef stick with the Jersey Devil on it that's so spicy it melts your balls off. Or maybe make a nacho flavored meat lollipop with the Chupacabra on the wrapper! Just be more clever and deliver the goods or better yet, pretend like you made the product and don't ever make it at all! At least this way I'll be out at a truck stop across the country looking for something that may or may not exist, only imaging how fucking awesome its gonna be when i find it!

More Angry that the Sasquatch Big Stick,

- Nathaniol Jenkins

Well there you have it. If you know what's best for your bod PLE STAY AWAY FROM DEM MEATS!

Please Pass The Butter and Lemon, Kind Sir

2010-02-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

SAY WHAAAT!!!!!! Is this what Red Lobster looks like in heaven??

This strapping young lad, nicknamed CRABZILLA, is a Japanese Spider Crab and measures ten feet from claw to claw...and is still growing! He was caught by some fishermenz in the Pacific Ocean, then traveled to the UK to make his debut as thee biggest crab Britain has ever seen since Simon Cowell. Soon after, Crabzilla was welcomed to take residence at the National Sea Life Centre in Birmingham where a comfy bed made of rice and a kiddie pool filled with garlic butter awaited him. Only the best for our new star!

I'm not the only one with hungry eyes...look at that son of a betches face up there. He's probably already got a plastic bib in his back pocket ready to tie around his neck and get to grubbin'. Sigh. I love when there's weird oceanic creatures like this one because I will always make a "joke" about "eating them with garlic butter."

Source

Feed Me Seymour!

2009-08-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

A new species of a carnivorous pitcher plant has recently been found in a remote mountain area of my motherland, the Philippines. The Nepenthes attenboroughii, named after David Attenborough, is so huge, even rodents can be devoured by the plant's flesh-eating enzymes. If only they found one even bigger that can eat my ex-boyfriends.

Sources: Times Online & MSNBC

Jesus Christ is everywhere...

2009-07-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

...even in Angus MacDougals' anus.

WHATCHU MONTAUK'N ABOUT?

2009-05-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

On May 6th, 2009, an old friend we know and love, returned to us, after it had been stolen last year.

Honey showed up in Long Island, rank as hell, but a familiar face.

Is it a dog? A Plum Island experiment gone horribly awry? As the story develops, perhaps we'll find out.

ref: montauk-monster.com

Now I Know My ABCs

2009-05-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Being a fan of finding pussy in unexpected places (WHUT?) I was stoked on learning more about the ABCs...ALIEN BIG CATS. At first I had this amazing image of a giant housecat riding in a UFO or perhaps a cat looking like this one right here.

I WISH. But, no. Alien Big Cats are large predatory cat breeds, such as pumas and panthers, that are found in areas not thought to be their native home. Many of these sightings have occurred in Britain, but others have been reported in Hawaii, Denmark, Australia, New Zealand - just to name a few. As with much cryptozoology, scientists tend to dismiss the idea of ABCs existing, but a 2003-2004 survey done by the British Big Cats Society (how do I join???) reported 2, 052 sightings all over Britian. The fact that almost all evidence of ABCs is either fake or indeterminate (one so-called ABC turned out to be a leopard skin rug!) has made it difficult to prove their existance. I believe in you ALIEN BIG CATS!!

Oh and P.S. Camarillo, CA had a little crypid experience a few days ago! An ABB - ALIEN BIG BEAR! A 300-pound brown bear was found wandering around the city, just a few blocks from my work. Wild!

I FEEL WEIRD MA

2009-05-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

I feel a lil' uncomf right now because I think the wolfie with Clark Kent glasses on this t-shirt is sexy. I also kind of want to make out with it. It looks like it probably listens to Morrissey and doesn't eat red meat. LAWLLDY. Wait a second..it actually does kind of look like someone I slept with...

Get this cute "Hipster Werewolf" shirt from Crywolf Clothing

via Nylon which 'coincidentally' used the same exact Teen Wolf dad screenshot seen on my friend Mike's awesome Flickr.

Where is my Slow Cooker?

2009-05-05T02:06:00.000-07:00

What looks like a newly born lamb AND grows out of the ground like a plant?

A Vegetable Lamb! Duh.

The story of the Vegetable Lamb dates back to the 11th century, but it wasn't untill the 16th and17th centuries that it became a subject of much interest to all kinds of VIPZ.

In his work entitled "Notes on Russia", Baron Sigismund Freiherr von Herberstein (historian and member of the Holy Roman Empire Imperial Council) had this to say about Vegetable Lamb:

It had a head, eyes, ears, and all other parts a newly born lamb.

OH RLY? TELL US MORE.

In Claude Duret's book "Histoire Admirable des Plantes" (1605), he devoted an entire chapter to the Vegetable Lamb. It was said that, when planted, "it grew to a height of two and a half feet and was rooted by the navel in the middle of the belly". The lamb were connected to the plant by an umbilical cord and grazed the land around the plant. When all the plants were gone, both the plant and sheep died.

Both of these menz were well-known and well-respected back in the day so these stories are NOT to be taken lightly.

OMG even Erasmus Darwin wrote about the Vegetable Lamb!

E'en round the Pole the flames of love aspire,
And icy bosoms feel the secret fire,
Cradled in snow, and fanned by Arctic air,
Shines, gentle borametz, thy golden hair;
Rooted in earth, each cloven foot descends,
And round and round her flexile neck she bends,
Crops the grey coral moss, and hoary thyme,
Or laps with rosy tongue the melting rime; 
Eyes with mute tenderness her distant dam,
And seems to bleat - a vegetable lamb.

While I am aware that this is an excerpt from Darwin's poem, The Botanic Garden, and not a report or a sighting of the Vegetable Lamb, I really don't care. I have already decided to plant Vegetable Lambs all over my garden so that I may feast all summer long on their succulent deliciousness.

Below you will find actual video footage of my soon-to-be-all-in-one dinner in action! Some jerk told me this was animated, and not "real footage". I told that guy to shut the fuck up. And guess what jerk face? You are so not invited to my Vegetable Lamb buffet party this summer.

MOMMA I'M SCARRED

2009-04-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

I'm a pisces and I can't swim. I FEAR large bodies of water. Actually, the only water I like is filtered and comes in individual bottles for my drinking pleasure. THAT'S ALL FOLKS.

I get really annoyed when my friends think they will be "the one" to teach me to swim or urge me to go to the beach "with them" as if their presence will make it some mind altering awakening for me. Please stop. I don't want to do either of those things with any you, so leave me lone and cut me loose!

Now having said that, my deep appreciation for the vast array of sea creatures is immeasurable. I don't need to dive head first in the place they call home to love them. No offense bebies, I'm not tryna chill with y'all, I just wanna love you! You feel me?

The Vampire Squid (aka VAMPIRE SQUID FROM HELL) is no doubt one of my all time favorite cephalopods. Not only because it has the word HELL in its formal name, but because it is cute and scary at the same time and that makes me feel good.

Back in 1903 some German dude saw one and thought it was a damn octopus. Pshhhh that man was obviously a fool. The Vampire Squid is not only CLEARLY a cephalopod, but it even belongs to its own phylogenetic order. Isn't that neat! It is the only living member of the order of Vampyromorphida.

Oh, I also love them because their entire bodies are covered in photophores which makes them bioluminescent, like WHOA.

In short, you don't have to worry about the Vampire Squid. They aren't trippin on humans and they only get to be about a foot long in size. Cutie patooti!

Now you DO need to be scurrd of...

THA NUMBA ONE STUNNA

Noooo not Weezy y'all! I am talking about the GIANT stingray! The title of this post is dedicated to it!

To quote one of the greatest writers of the 21st century: "OH HALES NO"

People! Do you understand!?! Do you realize that a normal sized bitch-ass stingray took the life of our beloved crocodile hunter? So basically, this MUTHA will fuck your shit UP SON. Ugh I hate it! But I also love it cuz I'm crazy like dat.

Alright lets simmer down now and talk about Sea Cucumbers.

I'm not scared of them at all and you shouldn't be either. They are incredible, ancient creatures. The oldest sea cucumber fossils date to about 425 million to 405 million years back and there are about 1400 species around today. I've only seen small to medium size ones, but they can get to be up to 6 feet long. Thats just crazy.

I think most sea cucumbers are gorgeous, much like this

But they can also look like a dooks

And even like a dild

The Secret Saturdays to the Rescue!

2009-04-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

When I told my co-worker about my interest in cryptozoology he told me about the awesome cartoon on The Cartoon Network, "The Secret Saturdays", which follows the adventures of a family of cryptozoologists, the Saturdays. Their goal is to keep cryptids a secret, both for the protection of the human race, as well as the beloved cryptids. My favorite character is Fiskerton, a seven foot tall "gorilla cat" that the Saturday family adopted. Lookit this guy!

I just wanna curl up next to him, give him a lil scratch under the chin and take a nap! The Saturdays also have a genetically-altered Komodo Dragon (named Komodo - like wow, creative!) who rocks his shit on the stealth missions because he can blend in with his surroundings like a chameleon. The show has villains, allies, adventures and some super sweet cryptids. You can watch an episode here! Lovin' it!

Bloop There It Is

2009-04-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

During different occurrences in 1997, a mysterious sound was recorded off the South American southwest coast in the depths of the Equatorial Pacific Ocean by the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (pardon that tongue twista). They called this sound "The Bloop."

Apparently for a creature to create a sound of this magnitude, it would have to be significantly larger than a blue whale, which is believed to be the largest animal ever to have lived. That sounds pretty big already, but I did some research to help me visualize the vastness of this beautiful creature. Come, let us chat about the blue whale for a MOME! First, let's look at this handy comparison chart (love me some charts btw):

Blue Whale Fun Facts:

+ They are probably the loudest animals alive, louder than a jet engine!
+ A human can swim through its aorta!
+ The blue whale has a tongue that weighs as much as an elephant.
+ It has a heart the size of a Volkswagen beetle?! That's a whole lotta love bo.

So imagine... something even more large and in charge than that? Shutcho mouf and say it ain't so!! The thought of this freaks me out especially because (warning: now this might be the most repeated story of my lifetime thus far) in 1998 I had a dream that the ocean was draining and everything was coming up to surface...mermaids were combing their weaves, everything at the bottom was coming up. Then, this giant Octopus with glowing light beam eyes came up from the depths of the sea and was pulling everyone from their cars into the water. It took my friend Shaun and I woke up screaming, "NO SHAUN NO!" And saw tentacles shriveling up at the bottom of my bed. UGH I hate that half asleep hallucination shit. Anyway, eleven years later and it's still as clear as a whisle and I am still convinced I'm going to see that daddy-o one of these days so naturally The Bloop freaks me out!

In this clip, the sound has been sped up sixteen times it's normal frequency, producing the Bloop noise. They really should have just stopped fronting and called it The Dook, cause that's really what it sounds like.

Here is the slower version (recommended while listening in the dark)

The cause of that octopus dream was probably a combination of this:

and this:

More unidentified ocean sounds can be found here.

To keep you company during those long nights missing Art Bell...

2009-04-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

Of all the useless toys to inhabit your work space, can any really beat this? Do G.I. Joe really stand a chance against the Mothman or Lochness? From the geniuses over at Archie McPhee, The Cryptozoological Playset.

via Laughing Squid

Teeth the Size of Large Cucumbers LOL

2009-04-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

There's a new hunk in town...or at least there was about 147 million years ago, according to scientists who have discovered a new type of Pliosaur. Word around town is he was the "most fearsome animal ever to swim in the oceans."

GRAND THUG OF THE SEA SON!

At about 1:55 he drops the line about the cucumbers. Why that make me LOL? Anyway baby Agent Lover wants to say hi:

Crypto Couture

2009-04-13T21:54:00.001-07:00

Isn't that shirt adorable??? I WANT IT. Found here. I wish it were black though! (CUZ WE GAWTH)

It would look good with these Bigfoot gladiators:

And for the winter...these Yeti boots that I have wanted for three years.

YOU WILL BE MINE.

The Devil was in Devon!

2009-04-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

No I'm not talking about when Rick Solomon (IEW) was boning Devon Aoki (also a true story though).

I'm talking about the DEVIL in Southern Devon, England!

On February 8, 1855, the villagers of Southern Devon awoke to find an enormous set of strange footprints stretching over 100 miles throughout the county! At closer inspection they appeared to be cloven hoof prints. To the locals, this meant only 1 thing...

IT WAS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL.

Legend has it, the tracks went through a haystack, a 14-foot-high wall, a 4-inch drainpipe, and even crossed a two mile stretch of river only to pick right up again on the other side. Yes, the devil was walking on water LIKE JAYSUS.

Of course haters didn't want to believe any of this so they attributed the tracks to various ridiculous things such as roaming badgers, escaped kangaroos and even a passing hot air balloon trailing a rope. That is because lots of hot air balloons and kangaroos roam free through the snow in Southern Devon at night. What? I DON'T THINK SO.

Now, I know what you're thinking. That was 154 years ago when everyone was cold trippin' and that diagram looks like dooky. Well guess what? Exactly 1 month ago on the evening of March 12th, 2009, more strange marks, very simmilar to those left in 1855 were found AGAIN in Devon!

In the video below, the man with the hot stache talks to the sweet old lady who found the tracks out side her bedroom window and even walks us through the mysterious steps. But beware because at about 3:05 a hater from the CFZ starts talking shit saying there has to be "a perfectly rational explantion" for the tracks left in both 1855 as well as just last month. So the rational explations is...oh wait he doesn't have one! He just "believes there is one". Really? Well I believe I can fly and I believe I can touch the sky, but that don't mean shit Robert Sylvester Kelly.

M'LORD ARE WE IN BEETLEJEWCE

2009-04-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

From Daily Mail: Aquarium staff have unearthed a 'giant sea' worm that was attacking coral reef and prize fish. The 4ft long monster, named Barry, had launched a sustained attack on the reef in a display tank at Newquay's Blue Reef Aquarium over recent months.

First of all, Barry? BARRY?

If I saw some fucking monster worm like that I would not name him after The Sultan of Smooth Soul!! I would name him something tough and intimidating like Suge Knight.