MOMMA I'M SCARRED

I'm a pisces and I can't swim. I FEAR large bodies of water. Actually, the only water I like is filtered and comes in individual bottles for my drinking pleasure. THAT'S ALL FOLKS.

I get really annoyed when my friends think they will be "the one" to teach me to swim or urge me to go to the beach "with them" as if their presence will make it some mind altering awakening for me. Please stop. I don't want to do either of those things with any you, so leave me lone and cut me loose!

Now having said that, my deep appreciation for the vast array of sea creatures is immeasurable. I don't need to dive head first in the place they call home to love them. No offense bebies, I'm not tryna chill with y'all, I just wanna love you! You feel me?

The Vampire Squid (aka VAMPIRE SQUID FROM HELL) is no doubt one of my all time favorite cephalopods. Not only because it has the word HELL in its formal name, but because it is cute and scary at the same time and that makes me feel good.



Back in 1903 some German dude saw one and thought it was a damn octopus. Pshhhh that man was obviously a fool. The Vampire Squid is not only CLEARLY a cephalopod, but it even belongs to its own phylogenetic order. Isn't that neat! It is the only living member of the order of Vampyromorphida.



Oh, I also love them because their entire bodies are covered in photophores which makes them bioluminescent, like WHOA.

In short, you don't have to worry about the Vampire Squid. They aren't trippin on humans and they only get to be about a foot long in size. Cutie patooti!

Now you DO need to be scurrd of...

THA NUMBA ONE STUNNA

Noooo not Weezy y'all! I am talking about the GIANT stingray! The title of this post is dedicated to it!

To quote one of the greatest writers of the 21st century: "OH HALES NO"



People! Do you understand!?! Do you realize that a normal sized bitch-ass stingray took the life of our beloved crocodile hunter? So basically, this MUTHA will fuck your shit UP SON. Ugh I hate it! But I also love it cuz I'm crazy like dat.

Alright lets simmer down now and talk about Sea Cucumbers.

I'm not scared of them at all and you shouldn't be either. They are incredible, ancient creatures. The oldest sea cucumber fossils date to about 425 million to 405 million years back and there are about 1400 species around today. I've only seen small to medium size ones, but they can get to be up to 6 feet long. Thats just crazy.

I think most sea cucumbers are gorgeous, much like this


But they can also look like a dooks


And even like a dild

The Secret Saturdays to the Rescue!

When I told my co-worker about my interest in cryptozoology he told me about the awesome cartoon on The Cartoon Network, "The Secret Saturdays", which follows the adventures of a family of cryptozoologists, the Saturdays. Their goal is to keep cryptids a secret, both for the protection of the human race, as well as the beloved cryptids. My favorite character is Fiskerton, a seven foot tall "gorilla cat" that the Saturday family adopted. Lookit this guy!

I just wanna curl up next to him, give him a lil scratch under the chin and take a nap! The Saturdays also have a genetically-altered Komodo Dragon (named Komodo - like wow, creative!) who rocks his shit on the stealth missions because he can blend in with his surroundings like a chameleon. The show has villains, allies, adventures and some super sweet cryptids. You can watch an episode here! Lovin' it!

Bloop There It Is

During different occurrences in 1997, a mysterious sound was recorded off the South American southwest coast in the depths of the Equatorial Pacific Ocean by the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (pardon that tongue twista). They called this sound "The Bloop."

Apparently for a creature to create a sound of this magnitude, it would have to be significantly larger than a blue whale, which is believed to be the largest animal ever to have lived. That sounds pretty big already, but I did some research to help me visualize the vastness of this beautiful creature. Come, let us chat about the blue whale for a MOME! First, let's look at this handy comparison chart (love me some charts btw):



Blue Whale Fun Facts:

+ They are probably the loudest animals alive, louder than a jet engine!
+ A human can swim through its aorta!
+ The blue whale has a tongue that weighs as much as an elephant.
+ It has a heart the size of a Volkswagen beetle?! That's a whole lotta love bo.

So imagine... something even more large and in charge than that? Shutcho mouf and say it ain't so!! The thought of this freaks me out especially because (warning: now this might be the most repeated story of my lifetime thus far) in 1998 I had a dream that the ocean was draining and everything was coming up to surface...mermaids were combing their weaves, everything at the bottom was coming up. Then, this giant Octopus with glowing light beam eyes came up from the depths of the sea and was pulling everyone from their cars into the water. It took my friend Shaun and I woke up screaming, "NO SHAUN NO!" And saw tentacles shriveling up at the bottom of my bed. UGH I hate that half asleep hallucination shit. Anyway, eleven years later and it's still as clear as a whisle and I am still convinced I'm going to see that daddy-o one of these days so naturally The Bloop freaks me out!


In this clip, the sound has been sped up sixteen times it's normal frequency, producing the Bloop noise. They really should have just stopped fronting and called it The Dook, cause that's really what it sounds like.

Here is the slower version (recommended while listening in the dark)



The cause of that octopus dream was probably a combination of this:



and this:



More unidentified ocean sounds can be found here.

To keep you company during those long nights missing Art Bell...

Of all the useless toys to inhabit your work space, can any really beat this? Do G.I. Joe really stand a chance against the Mothman or Lochness? From the geniuses over at Archie McPhee, The Cryptozoological Playset.

via Laughing Squid

Teeth the Size of Large Cucumbers LOL

There's a new hunk in town...or at least there was about 147 million years ago, according to scientists who have discovered a new type of Pliosaur. Word around town is he was the "most fearsome animal ever to swim in the oceans."

GRAND THUG OF THE SEA SON!



At about 1:55 he drops the line about the cucumbers. Why that make me LOL? Anyway baby Agent Lover wants to say hi:

Crypto Couture

Isn't that shirt adorable??? I WANT IT. Found here. I wish it were black though! (CUZ WE GAWTH)

It would look good with these Bigfoot gladiators:



And for the winter...these Yeti boots that I have wanted for three years.



YOU WILL BE MINE.

The Devil was in Devon!

No I'm not talking about when Rick Solomon (IEW) was boning Devon Aoki (also a true story though).

I'm talking about the DEVIL in Southern Devon, England!

On February 8, 1855, the villagers of Southern Devon awoke to find an enormous set of strange footprints stretching over 100 miles throughout the county! At closer inspection they appeared to be cloven hoof prints. To the locals, this meant only 1 thing...

IT WAS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL.

Legend has it, the tracks went through a haystack, a 14-foot-high wall, a 4-inch drainpipe, and even crossed a two mile stretch of river only to pick right up again on the other side. Yes, the devil was walking on water LIKE JAYSUS.

Of course haters didn't want to believe any of this so they attributed the tracks to various ridiculous things such as roaming badgers, escaped kangaroos and even a passing hot air balloon trailing a rope. That is because lots of hot air balloons and kangaroos roam free through the snow in Southern Devon at night. What? I DON'T THINK SO.

Now, I know what you're thinking. That was 154 years ago when everyone was cold trippin' and that diagram looks like dooky. Well guess what? Exactly 1 month ago on the evening of March 12th, 2009, more strange marks, very simmilar to those left in 1855 were found AGAIN in Devon!

In the video below, the man with the hot stache talks to the sweet old lady who found the tracks out side her bedroom window and even walks us through the mysterious steps. But beware because at about 3:05 a hater from the CFZ starts talking shit saying there has to be "a perfectly rational explantion" for the tracks left in both 1855 as well as just last month. So the rational explations is...oh wait he doesn't have one! He just "believes there is one". Really? Well I believe I can fly and I believe I can touch the sky, but that don't mean shit Robert Sylvester Kelly.

M'LORD ARE WE IN BEETLEJEWCE

From Daily Mail: Aquarium staff have unearthed a 'giant sea' worm that was attacking coral reef and prize fish. The 4ft long monster, named Barry, had launched a sustained attack on the reef in a display tank at Newquay's Blue Reef Aquarium over recent months.

First of all, Barry? BARRY?




If I saw some fucking monster worm like that I would not name him after The Sultan of Smooth Soul!! I would name him something tough and intimidating like Suge Knight.