A new species of a carnivorous pitcher plant has recently been found in a remote mountain area of my motherland, the Philippines. The Nepenthes attenboroughii, named after David Attenborough, is so huge, even rodents can be devoured by the plant's flesh-eating enzymes. If only they found one even bigger that can eat my ex-boyfriends.
Being a fan of finding pussy in unexpected places (WHUT?) I was stoked on learning more about the ABCs...ALIEN BIG CATS. At first I had this amazing image of a giant housecat riding in a UFO or perhaps a cat looking like this one right here. I WISH. But, no. Alien Big Cats are large predatory cat breeds, such as pumas and panthers, that are found in areas not thought to be their native home. Many of these sightings have occurred in Britain, but others have been reported in Hawaii, Denmark, Australia, New Zealand - just to name a few. As with much cryptozoology, scientists tend to dismiss the idea of ABCs existing, but a 2003-2004 survey done by the British Big Cats Society (how do I join???) reported 2, 052 sightings all over Britian. The fact that almost all evidence of ABCs is either fake or indeterminate (one so-called ABC turned out to be a leopard skin rug!) has made it difficult to prove their existance. I believe in you ALIEN BIG CATS!!
Oh and P.S. Camarillo, CA had a little crypid experience a few days ago! An ABB - ALIEN BIG BEAR! A 300-pound brown bear was found wandering around the city, just a few blocks from my work. Wild!
I feel a lil' uncomf right now because I think the wolfie with Clark Kent glasses on this t-shirt is sexy. I also kind of want to make out with it. It looks like it probably listens to Morrissey and doesn't eat red meat. LAWLLDY. Wait a second..it actually does kind of look like someone I slept with...
What looks like a newly born lamb AND grows out of the ground like a plant?
A Vegetable Lamb! Duh.
The story of the Vegetable Lamb dates back to the 11th century, but it wasn't untill the 16th and17th centuries that it became a subject of much interest to all kinds of VIPZ.
In his work entitled "Notes on Russia", Baron Sigismund FreiherrvonHerberstein (historian and member of the Holy Roman Empire Imperial Council) had this to say about Vegetable Lamb:
It had a head, eyes, ears, and all other parts a newly born lamb.
OH RLY? TELL US MORE.
In Claude Duret's book "Histoire Admirable desPlantes" (1605), he devoted an entire chapter to the Vegetable Lamb. It was said that, when planted, "it grew to a height of two and a half feet and was rooted by the navel in the middle of the belly". The lamb were connected to the plant by an umbilical cord and grazed the land around the plant. When all the plants were gone, both the plant and sheep died.
Both of these menz were well-known and well-respected back in the day so these stories are NOT to be taken lightly.
E'en round the Pole the flames of love aspire, And icy bosoms feel the secret fire, Cradled in snow, and fanned by Arctic air, Shines, gentle borametz, thy golden hair; Rooted in earth, each cloven foot descends, And round and round her flexile neck she bends, Crops the grey coral moss, and hoary thyme, Or laps with rosy tongue the melting rime; Eyes with mute tenderness her distant dam, And seems to bleat - a vegetable lamb.
While I am aware that this is an excerpt from Darwin's poem, The Botanic Garden, and not a report or a sighting of the Vegetable Lamb, I really don't care. I have already decided to plant Vegetable Lambs all over my garden so that I may feast all summer long on their succulent deliciousness.
Below you will find actual video footage of my soon-to-be-all-in-one dinner in action! Some jerk told me this was animated, and not "real footage". I told that guy to shut the fuck up. And guess what jerk face? You are so not invited to my Vegetable Lamb buffet party this summer.
I'm a pisces and I can't swim. I FEAR large bodies of water. Actually, the only water I like is filtered and comes in individual bottles for my drinking pleasure. THAT'S ALL FOLKS.
I get really annoyed when my friends think they will be "the one" to teach me to swim or urge me to go to the beach "with them" as if their presence will make it some mind altering awakening for me. Please stop. I don't want to do either of those things with any you, so leave me lone and cut me loose!
Now having said that, my deep appreciation for the vast array of sea creatures is immeasurable. I don't need to dive head first in the place they call home to love them. No offense bebies, I'm not tryna chill with y'all, I just wanna love you! You feel me?
The Vampire Squid (aka VAMPIRE SQUID FROM HELL) is no doubt one of my all time favorite cephalopods. Not only because it has the word HELL in its formal name, but because it is cute and scary at the same time and that makes me feel good.
Back in 1903 some German dude saw one and thought it was a damn octopus. Pshhhh that man was obviously a fool. The Vampire Squid is not only CLEARLY a cephalopod, but it even belongs to its own phylogenetic order. Isn't that neat! It is the only living member of the order of Vampyromorphida.
Oh, I also love them because their entire bodies are covered in photophores which makes them bioluminescent, like WHOA.
In short, you don't have to worry about the Vampire Squid. They aren't trippin on humans and they only get to be about a foot long in size. Cutie patooti!
Now you DO need to be scurrd of...
THA NUMBA ONE STUNNA
Noooo not Weezy y'all! I am talking about the GIANT stingray! The title of this post is dedicated to it!
To quote one of the greatest writers of the 21st century: "OH HALES NO"
People! Do you understand!?! Do you realize that a normal sized bitch-ass stingray took the life of our beloved crocodile hunter? So basically, this MUTHA will fuck your shit UP SON. Ugh I hate it! But I also love it cuz I'm crazy like dat.
Alright lets simmer down now and talk about Sea Cucumbers.
I'm not scared of them at all and you shouldn't be either. They are incredible, ancient creatures. The oldest sea cucumber fossils date to about 425 million to 405 million years back and there are about 1400 species around today. I've only seen small to medium size ones, but they can get to be up to 6 feet long. Thats just crazy.
I think most sea cucumbers are gorgeous, much like this
