Why You Fuckin' Wit Sasquatch?

Since I don't own a television or listen to the radio, I basically never know whats going on in the world of advertising and it seems like everyone and their mama has been enjoying Jack's Links SASQUATCH campaign except me!

While I think the commercials are HILLAR, the actual jerky product (which I saw for the first time yesterday) is no jokin' matter for me.

At first glance I thought M'LORD what IS this? Available in Angry or Happy flavor!? GETOUTAHERE! Ah, but once I turned the package around to take a peek at the clear window of jerky it was OVER. These Sasquatch meats looked like diarrhea encased in plastic to me and I REFUSE to get involved with any of this fuckery.

(sick)

I did however manage to find a loyal ACC follower who wanted to vent about his experience with these forbidden meats. Here is what he had to say:

Dear Crypto Lovin Truck Stop Snackers,

If you ever wanted to know what chorizo carpaccio tastes like, then buy yourself a 16" Sasquatch Bigstick, the pasty meat treat stuffed into a weird unnatural skin that leaves a waxy sour taste in your mouth...Mmmm!

The "Angry" flavor stick I tasted was more sad than angry and it was just an overall disappointment.

This was not at all what I imagined a Sasquatch stick would be like (no pun intended creeps!). I wanted a spicy and tough jerky but instead it was more like an unwrapped soggy Slim Jim fresh out of a pond.

The poor Sasquatches have been robbed of their manhood! The Crypto King has been duped into a

sour deal with a jerky company promoting a meat stick with the prowess of the ever illusive Bigfoot, when what we really get is a wet soft meat tube that's more Loch Ness than Skunk ape!

Please Jack's Links, if you want to advertise your product with a bad ass like Sasquatch, at least make the product spicy and angry...hell, I'll even take meaty and happy! Just give me SOMETHING.

So drop the Harry and the Henderson's suit and maybe try making something like a beef stick with the Jersey Devil on it that's so spicy it melts your balls off. Or maybe make a nacho flavored meat lollipop with the Chupacabra on the wrapper! Just be more clever and deliver the goods or better yet, pretend like you made the product and don't ever make it at all! At least this way I'll be out at a truck stop across the country looking for something that may or may not exist, only imaging how fucking awesome its gonna be when i find it!

More Angry that the Sasquatch Big Stick, 

- Nathaniol Jenkins

Well there you have it. If  you know what's best for your bod PLE STAY AWAY FROM DEM MEATS!

Please Pass The Butter and Lemon, Kind Sir

SAY WHAAAT!!!!!! Is this what Red Lobster looks like in heaven??

This strapping young lad, nicknamed CRABZILLA, is a Japanese Spider Crab and measures ten feet from claw to claw...and is still growing! He was caught by some fishermenz in the Pacific Ocean, then traveled to the UK to make his debut as thee biggest crab Britain has ever seen since Simon Cowell. Soon after, Crabzilla was welcomed to take residence at the National Sea Life Centre in Birmingham where a comfy bed made of rice and a kiddie pool filled with garlic butter awaited him. Only the best for our new star!

I'm not the only one with hungry eyes...look at that son of a betches face up there. He's probably already got a plastic bib in his back pocket ready to tie around his neck and get to grubbin'. Sigh. I love when there's weird oceanic creatures like this one because I will always make a "joke" about "eating them with garlic butter."

Source

Feed Me Seymour!

A new species of a carnivorous pitcher plant has recently been found in a remote mountain area of my motherland, the Philippines. The Nepenthes attenboroughii, named after David Attenborough, is so huge, even rodents can be devoured by the plant's flesh-eating enzymes. If only they found one even bigger that can eat my ex-boyfriends.




Sources: Times Online & MSNBC

Jesus Christ is everywhere...

...even in Angus MacDougals' anus.

WHATCHU MONTAUK'N ABOUT?

On May 6th, 2009, an old friend we know and love, returned to us, after it had been stolen last year.

Honey showed up in Long Island, rank as hell, but a familiar face.

Is it a dog? A Plum Island experiment gone horribly awry? As the story develops, perhaps we'll find out.

ref: montauk-monster.com

Now I Know My ABCs

Being a fan of finding pussy in unexpected places (WHUT?) I was stoked on learning more about the ABCs...ALIEN BIG CATS. At first I had this amazing image of a giant housecat riding in a UFO or perhaps a cat looking like this one right here.

I WISH. But, no. Alien Big Cats are large predatory cat breeds, such as pumas and panthers, that are found in areas not thought to be their native home. Many of these sightings have occurred in Britain, but others have been reported in Hawaii, Denmark, Australia, New Zealand - just to name a few. As with much cryptozoology, scientists tend to dismiss the idea of ABCs existing, but a 2003-2004 survey done by the British Big Cats Society (how do I join???) reported 2, 052 sightings all over Britian. The fact that almost all evidence of ABCs is either fake or indeterminate (one so-called ABC turned out to be a leopard skin rug!) has made it difficult to prove their existance. I believe in you ALIEN BIG CATS!!


Oh and P.S. Camarillo, CA had a little crypid experience a few days ago! An ABB - ALIEN BIG BEAR! A 300-pound brown bear was found wandering around the city, just a few blocks from my work. Wild!

I FEEL WEIRD MA

I feel a lil' uncomf right now because I think the wolfie with Clark Kent glasses on this t-shirt is sexy. I also kind of want to make out with it. It looks like it probably listens to Morrissey and doesn't eat red meat. LAWLLDY. Wait a second..it actually does kind of look like someone I slept with...

Get this cute "Hipster Werewolf" shirt from Crywolf Clothing

via Nylon which 'coincidentally' used the same exact Teen Wolf dad screenshot seen on my friend Mike's awesome Flickr.